It's Not a Girl, it's a Ruse!
 
Are you ready for more near-sighted, generalized, unproven and all together misogynistic remarks? Then this is your lucky day! "More of JOLT!MAN's jokes?", you're asking? No, just more ponderous rhetoric from Aquila.

 

Girls (ladies, females, wymyn, what have you...) don't play I-76!

 Okay, let me back-track and retract. I'm sure that somewhere, there is a girl that plays this game, likes it and kicks-ass at it (anyone know her number? Okay! Okay! I'm sorry, put the rocks down, man!). What I'm trying to say (among all my double-talk and annoying interruptions, like this one) is that the ones that do play are probably not distinguishable from anyone else that plays. I doubt they go into games with names like BAMBI, BRITANNY, BUBBLES or anything else that screams BIMBO, I would assume they have a little more creativity and self-esteem than that. I'm actually here today to address a different problem: weirdos that pretend to be females while playing I-76. I'll say that again: Men who pretend to be women while playing I-76. Sounds like the topic for an upcoming episode of Jerry Springer, doesn't it?

What kind of vacancy in place of a personality do you have to have to come up with this idea? I mean people have asked me if I was a girl before (based on my rather androgynous handle, I hope), but I just can't fathom the guy that says to himself: I've got this wacky idea...I'll join a game as PRISSY, go in and say stuff like:"WHAT A SILLY GIRL I AM, TEE-HEE-HEE" and everyone will just go nuts for it! The really, really, really sad part about this is: IT WORKS! Whenever one of these cross-gendered, bubbly, she-male drivers enters a game as a girl to get his semi-perverse jollies, dudes start losin' it! There's a whole courting process that takes place when one of these false femme fatales enters a game. First, the potential suitors will pull punches -- don't be confused, these suckers will still mortar guys like me and you like there ain't no tomorrow, but when they get near PRISSY, they'll just use the ole machine gun, because they're such gentlemen. Secondly, they'll start competing with the others for "Her" attention. Finally, they'll start the schmoozing. It's all kinda like watching Flamingos mate or something, with less bizarre "dancing" -- Let's watch....

PRISSY: "AM I DOING OK? TEE-HEE"

DOOFUS: "YOURE DOING JUST FINE."

PRISSY: "I REALLY LIKE THIS GAME TEE-HEE"

FOOLED: "HOW LONG YOU BEEN PLAYING PRIS?"

PRISSY: "I JUST STARTED TODAY TEE-HEE"

DUPED: "SHE'S BETTER THAN YOU ALREADY HAHAHA"

FOOLED: "SHUT-UP, AT LEAST I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONCE!" (FOOLED and DUPED duke it out, one of them eats it -- does it really matter who?)

DOOFUS: "THOSE GUYS ARE LOSERS, I'LL PROTECT YOU FROM THEM"

PRISSY: "WOULD YOU REALLY, THATS SO SWEET TEE-HEE"

DOOFUS: "DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND? (PANT-PANT-PANT)"

We'll end it there. PRISSY will toy with their heads until he...I mean "she" remembers "she"has to tape Star Trek Voyager.

And on a related note: Let's can the games named Live Nude Girls and Sexy Sluts. Let's try and bring some maturity to this game. I mean Buxom babes and aggressive cars -- who's ever heard of that combination? (after a brief trip to convenience store magazine rack) Okay, so society's to blame! I just wanted a little class, that's all -- stop snickering!

 

Well I would go on, but Poison Ivy XII is coming on. And the next time someone asks me if I'm a girl, I think I'll answer yes, I'll never have to eat another cluster bomb again -- NAH! TOO EASY!

-- Aquila, Tee-Hee